My rheumatologist is aggressive about sending me for bariatric surgery. It’s frustrating because my problem is not overeating. And I know a lot of people say that, but I’ve been seeing a dietitian who has confirmed that my eating habits should result in weight loss. There is an underlying issue, which my doctors almost universally ignore - I have PCOS with insulin resistance. Last week I saw my new primary care physician who, upon hearing I have PCOS, asked why I’m not on Glucophage (metformin). Metformin reduces the insulin in my body and helps my body use it correctly. It doesn’t cause me to lose weight, but it gives me a fair shot.
I’m conflicted about weight loss. I’ve finally learned to love my body and feel comfortable with my size. But the combination of PCOS and a family medical history filled with diabetes means there’s little chance I won’t get diabetes. Metformin and weight loss are the only tools I really have to keep the disease at bay. So I’m losing weight.
My weight loss goals are about improving my health and regaining the physical strength I had in high school. I don’t plan to be thin. In fact, I’m sure my BMI will never get below the overweight category. But I’m still conflicted. Losing weight has always been about the rejection of my current body. I hate seeing weight loss testimonials where the people look at their before photo and say, “I don’t even know that person, she’s gross and ugly.” I don’t want to look at myself as unacceptable.
So that’s where I am. I’ve lost 22 lbs. since last summer. There’s no real difference in my body, which I want to see and, thus, leads me to hate this process. If I want to see myself smaller, then I don’t want to see myself as I am and that pisses me off.
I’m sharing my experience because I’ve never encountered anyone who feels this way. Everyone I know or read about is fine with rejecting themselves as a larger person.
